This is the second blog post written to unpack Paul Tripp’s book Parenting and the principles he discussed. As I prepared, I was struck by my pride and arrogance, particularly as it relates to my parenting. I pray that as we meditate on these gospel principles for parenting and strive to see how they play out in our own lives, that we would come to the end of ourselves. As we are brought face to face with our inadequacies, may we cling to Christ as our sustainer and only hope.

Inability: Recognizing what you are unable to do is essential to good parenting.

I am convinced that a massive part of the reason that parenting is so draining is that we spend so much time trying alone to do something we weren’t called to by our own power, which is woefully insufficient. We lean on our understanding instead of trusting God to direct our steps. There are some days when, it feels like all I do is tell ether “no” and watch he willfully disobey. (This can be particularly frustrating when I think she has already learned a good habit only to see her regress). By the end of the day, I am exhausted. I wonder if I am doing something wrong. Am I not firm or consistent enough? Am I failing on some fundamental level that any truly knowledgeable already has a grasp of? The truth of the matter is that something has to give and that something must be my self-sufficiency. God has entrusted us, as parents, with a highly important task but he has not left us empty-handed. The strength and wisdom to parent faithfully are not found within, they are found with Him. We don’t need to “be better” we need to come daily to the One who alone is good and able to sustain us in this task. If we approach parenting the same way we approach our todo list, then we will fail miserably because we keep treating something that was supposed to bring us to our knees because we just can’t like it was a simple and easy task. Just because it is a common calling doesn’t make it any less remarkable. When parenting wears us down, we aren’t the solution, God is. We don’t need more training or better self-discipline (though to be clear both of these are great things), we need to be brought to the realization that apart from Christ we can do nothing and that includes parenting.

Identity: If you are not resting as a parent in your identity in Christ, you will look for identity in your children.

Why do we find our children’s disobedience and problematic behavior so offensive? Why is it that, when our child throws a tantrum in public, we feel personally attacked and embarrassed by their behavior? Why do I get so frustrated and angry when Esther refuses to stop touching cords, even though she understands “no” perfectly? We would like to say it is because we have a “righteous anger” about their sin but if we are honest, it is much simpler than that. The fact of the matter is that we, as sinful people, tend to derive our identity and worth from creatures rather than the Creator. When our kids disobey us, we feel that they have made a calculated and informed decision to slight our authority. When they embarrass us in public, we fear those watching will think less of us as parents and human beings because of how our children behave. The problem is not our children at all but rather our tendency to find our identities not in Christ but in our performance as parents. When we feel that we have “failed” as parents, we feel that we are somehow lesser than we were on days when our children are well behaved. We need to stop blaming our kid’s sinful behavior for our frustration and take a deep look in the mirror and recognize that it is the sin of our hearts that is leading to our frustration. Only by daily being grounded in our identity in Christ as children of God can we hope to parent patiently and thus model God’s patience.

Process: You must be committed as a parent to long-view parenting because change is a process and not an event.

Parenting is constant. We wake up tired, work all day for a semblance of balance and accomplishment, then go to bed exhausted to repeat the cycle in the morning. In the midst of our hectic schedules, I think we tend to forget one of the most foundational aspects of parenting: it is an ongoing, moment by moment, process. It is easy to go into “parent mode” when our kids come to us with a crisis of faith or when we are confronted with a “red alert” moment. But these moments are not the sum total of our parenting role. We should think of parenting as a never-ending conversation. Every moment of every day that we are with our children is an opportunity to share the Gospel, build a relationship, and disciple them. When we relegate our parenting to “big events” we miss out on thousands of little moments where our interactions with our kids can shape them and mold them to be receptive to the gospel. We can’t change their hearts but we can model a home where every opportunity is taken to point to Christ and the Gospel. If we rely on crisis points, then we will merely be reactive in parenting as opposed to proactive. In twenty years our kids may or may not remember the times we had an “intervention” but they will have been indelibly shaped by the love and energy we have invested in them. Our relationship leave a deeper mark and a more lasting impact on our children than the occasional “deep conversation. This is not to say that the “big moments” don’t matter, they matter greatly, it is to merely point out that we need to approach parenting less like crisis management and more like a lifelong journey.